Lately, as the Santa Barbara weather turns even nicer, I'm finding myself in a strange position. My life is so nearly perfect. It is almost always approximately 70 degrees here. There are flowers everywhere. They make the world not just beautiful, but also really pleasantly fragrant. School is hard and takes up most of my time, but I am still able to take Ruby to the dog beach almost every day. Two things I love so much are combined: the ocean and dogs having fun. It's so wonderful it's absurd.
But I still cry every day. When I'm getting ready for school in the morning, it's all I can do to not crawl back into bed and cry myself back to sleep. When I'm driving, I am always about to pull over and have a good cry on the side of the road. I am always always pulling it together and going on with the day. At best, I am numb enough to pretend my life is as good as it actually is. Much of the time I'm too exhausted to even fake it. The only things I do with ease are the things that involve caring for Ruby.
This creates something like cognitive dissonance. The beauty of the day, the blessings in my life, are constant reminders that there is nothing that can be done to make me happy. There is only one thing that could make me feel okay, and that thing is impossible. It's like the universe is rubbing it in.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment