I hate March. It seems like March itself creeps up on us, grabs our hearts, and squeezes hard. And that's on a good year.
10 years ago today we lost Buttercup.
6 years ago on the 14th we lost Dwight.
1 year ago Friday we lost Millie.
For me, this week is all leading up to Thursday. I want to push aside my grief for Millie until Friday, when I can sequester myself, but even though the anniversary of her death is Friday, I know that all day Thursday I will be thinking that it was a year ago when I last saw her alive. Friday is the anniversary of what I think will always be one of the worst days of my life. Thursday is the anniversary of the last time my life felt normal.
But I've been thinking a lot about Buttercup today too. She was just such a good dog. Such a good heart. I am surprised and saddened that, in all honesty, I remember so few details. But I offer my thanks to her. For making me a dog person. Living so closely with her from the age of 5 to 18, from before I could read until I starting dedicating far too much of my life to reading, I know she had no small impact on the person I have become even after her death. She is, without a doubt, why I am the dog lover I am today. She paved the way for me to love Millie so completely and so devastatingly.
And although Ruby is not much like any other creature the world has ever known :) she is more like Buttercup than Millie. At one point, maybe a couple of years after Buttercup died, I was able to process my grief by realizing that I could continue loving Buttercup by loving other dogs. My relationship with Buttercup didn't have to end because I could go on putting my love for her out into the world. I realized that, in loving dogs, caring for them with the most steadfast dedication, I honor Buttercup. I'm not ready for that realization with Millie; my love for Millie is still for no one and nothing but Millie. Honoring her by loving anyone else just feels...piddly. I can't help but cling to my love for Millie because it's all I have left. But I can recognize and remember that I pay respects to my relationship with Buttercup through my love for Ruby.
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Thanks for sharing this...I do feel like March is some kind of crazy black hole. A dear friend of Shayne's family passed away yesterday morning...Shayne went to Tampa when they transferred him to hospice, and he was at least able to say goodbye, and know that this great man was ready to let go. We've had so many losses that we were not ready for, could never be ready for. Losing Dwight, Buttercup and Millie were all utterly devastating events for which there are only shreds of comfort to be found in phrases like "at least they are no longer suffering".
ReplyDeleteBut I do notice a strange duality when I reflect on these memories, in the sense that these experiences represent the times when I have felt the most connected to my family, the most love, the most support and the greatest of my ability to give support to my loved ones. In these losses, I have had some of the most emotionally rich experiences, so I guess that's something. I'm so glad that I was living only a few hours away when we lost Millie last year and I could zoom right down to be there with you. Still, my experience of losing Millie is peripheral, and love Millie as I did, I can only begin to glimpse at your pain when I hold Caper's head in my lap and think that someday, much too soon, he won't be here anymore. It is a thought that I cannot tolerate. I guess we just keep going anyway, loving these babies and each other even more for how precious the time is. The loving is worth the inevitable hole that they will leave when they go.
Anyway, just want you to know that I'm thinking about you, and call any time if you want to talk about Millie or not talk about her.
Love,
Laila