I had another dream about Millie last night. This time we had been separated again somehow. It seems like maybe I had moved somewhere else, and somehow she found me and came back. It was like one of those news stories you sometimes hear about dogs who get lost half way across the country but somehow find their way back to their owners. Just like in the last dream, there was the sense that she was sick or there was something wrong, and this made it so amazing that she had found her way home. Somehow I knew she had followed a dirt path through forests and meadows and wilderness, and everyone was particularly amazed that she walked the whole way, considering how unnatural her silly little pug body was--how in the world did she make it out there on her own?
I'm not sure what to make of these dreams about her coming back to me. Subconscious denial, maybe? Maybe, but I sort of doubt it. I think it might actually be the "bargaining" phenomenon. I'm not a very religious person, and I'm not sure who or what I could possibly bargain with. But grieving the loss of Millie has pushed the limits of my agnosticism. In the first few weeks, the pain was simply so unbearable. I have written about how I have tried every single thing I can think of that just might ease this pain. I have found myself at times not so much believing in a higher power but simply putting it out there to the universe that I NEED SOME EFFING RELIEF. There seems to be nothing in this world can comfort me, so if there is anything that can help, it's going to have to be "supernatural." My "prayers" and "beliefs" are not cognitive...in the technical philosophical sense of being propositional...in the technical philosophical sense of having truth values. Instead, I just find myself thinking: look, I understand that there is nothing anyone can do about the fact that she is gone. But please please please fill my heart with her presence, whatever that means. I can go on without her little body in my bed every night, or by my side every day, but I need to feel like she's with me in some way.
I haven't made any progress on that, and that is probably the source of these dreams about her coming home with me.
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Well, we all know Millie's little secret about how she could "sustain" herself over long trips. I always felt that she would have been an excellent candidate for "the doggie who goes to Mars!"
ReplyDeleteI will never have any personal relief from the "distant" feeling that I had with Dwight. The long physical separation, living across the country from each other, and the paranoia that he suffered in his relationships with all people really hurt that idealistic love and unity that we all have as an ideal picture of how two brothers should be close to each other.
I have never had a dream of dwight and I being together in joyfull harmony. All of the dreams are dark,shadowy images of family reunions. There is no bad feelings nor any good feelings....just dark images.
Fortunately I have so many videos, pictures and recordings of Dwight that help me to relive and savor his life.
I still have very fresh memories of Millie running around here. i will always remember that simple little moments of taking her out for her early morning "romp." I will always remember how she was so alert and attentive to the slightest movement or sound that ANYTHING made.