Recently I had my first clear dream about Millie. When she died, I immediately began to hope I would dream about her. I just knew that was the only way I could possibly have the experiences and feelings I miss so much. Of course my heart couldn't handle dreaming of her right away. A few days after she died I dreamed that I was about to look at pictures of her, and that alone was so painful that I woke up. Since then, for the most part, she has been present in my dreams, but my dreams have not been about her.
A few days ago, though, I dreamed that I took a trip somewhere. Somehow, for some reason, Millie was there. I hadn't given her away or left her somewhere, but for some reason she was there, away from my ordinary life. I had a sense that we were separated because she was sick and/or dying. But she seemed okay. We did some serious cuddling, and I had sweet experiences of her cuddled up by my chest and neck. We went on some walks on Aspen Place where the house is in Evergreen. There was a sense that she would be gone soon, but for the time being she really seemed to be okay. So I decided to bring her home with me. That part was really clear; I was telling everyone in my dream that I had made this big decision to bring her home with me, and then I woke up.
Who knows what any of it means.
The depth of my grief has given me a new awareness of just how deeply bonded Millie and I were. I wrote in an earlier post that I never took Millie for granted, and that's true. And I was very aware of her mortality. I knew it would be horrible to lose her, and I knew that someday I would. But I really did not know my heart could hurt this bad, and that shows me how much love my heart can hold.
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awww, that's all i have to say
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